his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
