I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
