I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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