Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
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