It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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