Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
