I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
