i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
