im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
