the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
