I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
