Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
