We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
