His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
