Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
it hurts more in the daytime
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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