The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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