you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
