She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
