I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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