Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
