??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
