WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
