I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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