I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
