I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
