A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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