Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
