I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
