Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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