so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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