swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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