I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
