the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
