Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
