He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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