im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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