Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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