sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
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