almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
