Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
