I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I need a beard to bite.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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