hell yes lets make some ravioli
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
