Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Randomize
