sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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