i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
