My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
