I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
