allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
