I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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