I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
