somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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